TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically known for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of area. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have One more spot exactly where American Males can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide Every person a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he must prevent working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from House, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating Trump Tower Damascus reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting awareness from Global investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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